Waiting

for a phone call, to see if I have finally secured a job. I must admit I felt quite hopeful yesterday after the interview. It was a group interview and I was the least experience of the group - ie no real work experience but I knew enough about PCs for the job I was interviewing for. I know that because I passed the test they provided to be even considered for the position with flying colours. To be honest it was pretty basic stuff and things anyone with a PC should know if they are using one on a frequent basis. Anyway I thought I did OK but as the morning drags on, the more I know, its unlikely I have the job as its through a temp agency and its a simple yes or no from the company, no background checks or anything like that, but I won't give up entirely until the end of tomorrow. By then I should have heard a yes or no, I suspect.

Apart from that, the last few days have been great. All the kids were home at the weekend. Emily arrived home from Denton on Friday afternoon as she only has one class on Fridays. She hates her room-mate and to be honest, if I was in her position, I would be hard put not to say something to the girl. Apparently, she rarely showers, leaves all her trash lying around including soiled sanitary products and mopes around the room, bemoaning the fact Emily has so many friends. Fortunately, Emily is rapidly learning coping tactics and finding places to get space to work on her own, without the scowling face of her room-mate. Of course, Emily can be difficult to live with as well I am sure but the hygiene thing is bit too far.

Elisabeth came in for a few hours on Saturday to see her little sister, as graduation is rapidly approaching and she is beginning to realise that seeing her siblings might be a difficult thing to achieve in the next few years. At the moment, she is one minute panicking about her future and then the next calm about her future. I looked up a few websites for her to investigate over the weekend and Gordon went with her to the book store to get a guide on your next steps as a graduated student looking for employment. Having no success with my job search, I know its a really hard road but at least she is young and free of any ties, so she can go anywhere in the world.

Alan was working as usual this weekend so didn't get to see Elisabeth but he managed to have a fun time on Saturday night with his friends before returning to college on Sunday night.

So now I am going to the shops for something for dinner tonight and get the car registrations done. I hate thinking about dinner each day. It was hard when I was cooking for 5 plus lunch but its even harder now its for 2 plus Gordon's lunch. Must admit if I wasn't cooking for Gordon I don't think I would even bother with dinner. Thankfully I do have to cook dinner for him so that way I actually eat healthily, left to my own devices I would soon be suffering from malnutrition and be as big as a house!

Last night I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

Gordon came in at his usual time last night and as usual we did our little summary of the day which is normally is not much, to be honest.



However last night Gordon says 'J was back today and J(his wife) was wondering where you get your social social number from as she has got a job.' He then looked at me, put up his hands, shrugged his shoulders, pulled a face and said 'Why? Why haven't you got a job yet? She hasn't even got her SSN yet and she has a job. Its a seasonal job but its a job.'



My day slumped to the pit at that very point. Several feelings ran though my body, jealousy, anger, shame and defeat. I was jealous that J had managed to get a job so quickly after getting her work permit. I was angry at Gordon for rubbing my nose in it as he knows that at least the 1st 6 months of this year I tried my hardest to get a job. Shame because I have failed utterly to get a job. I even had 2 interviews, one for the Sears call center and the other for Target, both jobs I could do standing on my head. I couldn't even get them! Defeat because deep down I don't want to keep trying for jobs that paid just over the minimum wage and failing to get them.



To honest, I don't think any of the family really believes that I have actually applied for any jobs in the last year and to honest I don't blame them. There isn't any real evidence that I am, apart from me saying I am. And yes, I am such a wussy, I have said in the past month, I wll apply here or there but not done it yet because I am scared, scared f***ing stiff. I am in my own company so much these days, talking to anyone is becoming hard and the outside world is scary.



Anyway, to any young mums out there, I would not advise you leave the work force for 20 yrs, thinking you can just pick your work life up. It doesn't help that for the past 7 yrs ( boy its been that long), I haven't really been involved in any organisations as I had been in Scotland. I tried to get involved in the High school swim team but without a SSN I wasn't able to volunteer with fundraising project they had. I could have helped out with officiating as in the UK, I had almost qualified to Judge level but by that time we were into the troubled times of Alan life. He was much more important that volunteering for a swim team.



I volunteered briefly for the Blanton Museum of Art but to honest driving into the heart of Austin, isn't my idea of fun, especially, just to stand there handing out headsets. However, I do miss the company of people there, they were great and so full of life. After I left Sears, I did think of returning but Gordon admonished me about that idea, as I should be concentrating on getting a 'real' job. I am making him look a right bastard but he really isn't. However, I don't think he realises the frustration and anger I feel each time he goes on about getting a job. I did try but then I gave up. I suppose I should start trying again



Anyway, I am sort of over that slump I felt last night but still have this niggling anger thing about Gordon. Unlike the past, I actually told him what I was thinking but I don't think he realised how hurt I was with his remarks. I can understand his frustration regarding this situation and I know we need me to work (savings diminishing by the month) but unless he can get me a job, I really don't know what to do.

The last couple of days I have been in right Funk

and I think there are several reasons.

The first is my body is acting up. It started last week with my nipples becoming really sore, then very hard and my breasts swelling, if I did know better I would have said I was breast feeding! Then on Monday I began to have those cramps we women are so prone to which was somewhat of a surprise as I have been told that I am pass menopause. Even more surprising was having some spotting on Tuesday which turn into a slight flow on Wednesday. Needless to say, I was straight onto the phone on Wednesday for an appointment with the gynaecologist but the earliest I could one is next Thursday. It feels like when I had adenomyosis but if I am post menopausal then that should have disappeared. Anyway, no doubt I am in for a string of tests and probably end up with a hysterectomy. I wish I had taken up that offer last time rather than the ablation but it seemed so radical then and I was so obviously perimenopausal at the time. Blah!

The 2nd is job searching! I am at it again and again it fills me with despair. I decided to look at Craig's list and sure enough there are jobs there I that I might be interested in. I actually applied for one at a pre-school locally and they called back immediately. I had interview arranged for 2pm the next day. I duly arrived, only to find the person who was interviewing me had popped out to do some personal chores! I found this out between bits of conversation with the lady I was talking to as she was on the phone, setting up her DSL connection. (I think she was meant to manning reception but it was hard to tell, tic). Anyway in between conversation with her sales rep on the phone, she managed to say she would speak to me about the job and to fill out the application form. I hate that, why fill in an application form when you have send them a resume!

She eventually finished with her dsl connection (by which time I knew her life story) and spoke to me briefly. She then show me the class where I might be assisting but as the kids were just coming to the end of nap time, I thought it wasn't the best time to introduce a stranger to them. So I arranged to return the next morning when they would be more lively.

I returned at 10am yesterday and was briefly spoken to by the person who was meant to interview me the previous day, then I was shown into the room which was now a different class as they were in the midst of rearranging the kids. The kids were great but it was a small class so I was lucky. After half an hour, the other lady came to me and I spoke to again briefly. Mainly I wanted to know what the salary was .......$7.50 an hour....less than my youngest daughter (17) earned all summer and considerably less than Alan(19) is currently earning! I could understand it if it was some local pre-school nursery but its a national company (Children's courtyard)!

Anyway, this morning I am off to a job fair in Austin with my resumes, so something may turn up but I am not too hopeful to be honest. Am I am being too picky wanting to be paid a decent wage, certainly better than my youngest daughter and hopefully more than my Son but it seems I am whistling in the wind in that regard.

The 3rd reason I am in funk is because this week the kids go back to college. On Sunday, my youngest is moving 250 miles north to Denton, to begin her degree in Photography (hopefully). I think I will miss Emily much more than when the other 2 left because over the last year or so, we have become much closer. I definitely know her more than when she was little when she was lost between the worlds of her brother and sister. I am very confident she will do fine at university as she an inner confident in herself and her abilities, I can only envy. If you met her on first take, you would probably think she is shy (which she is in certain ways) but after than initial take, you soon realise this girl has an inner drive that will get her to places. So I will miss her tremendously and probably have a good cry as we drive home to Austin on Sunday but I am sure she is destined to succeed in life.

I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even been reading the blogs or if I do read them, I can barely skim over them, much less comment on them. I haven't touch my beading this week and nothing can seem to interest me. Hopefully this is passing and I will be back to normal once Monday comes along and new era in our lives (Gordon and I) comes about. It will be weird not having any kids in the house!