worrying

too much. I had my doctor's visit yesterday and came away confused plus annoyed.

Why was I annoyed because I told her that I had obtained my records from my previous doctor as I was so bad at remembering dates and such things. To be honest I have never had problems with my period until the last few years, came like clockwork, so had no need to remember. As I handed her the papers re my ablation, she made the following comment 'you wouldn't understand the report anyway."

I was blow away that someone in this day and age would actually say something like that. Hasn't she heard about the Internet and all the information that is available there? Jeeze, if I hadn't been so proactive with my health, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with my under active thyroid until a lot later, I wouldn't have found out that an under active thyroid predisposes you to high cholesterol levels and diabetes. Because of that I changed my diet a lot over the years which has resulted in my levels being near normal. My aim eventually is get of the meds but that will be a harder one to tackle.

Anyway yesterday I had a ultrasound because of the bleeding I have been having. My blood test in January had seemingly put me on the cusp of being menopausal but obviously as I have just had 2 periods, this isn't so. Because they couldn't find my left ovary (which must be good sign as it must be so small) I ended up with a vaginal ultrasound. At one time, during the exam, the lady said, 'are you spotting now'? Not a good sign in my book, especially as I wasn't!

Anyway with the exam finished I waited for the doctor, who I could hear in the hall, congratulating a couple on the happy news (baby). She came swinging into the room and without really looking at the notes, began by saying my biopsy was OK (no way it wouldn't be as I have had a ablation which it makes near nigh impossible to get a good sample) but my endometrial lining was on the thick side (10.5mm, should be less than 5mm in perimenopause or menopause). We would monitor that with another ultrasound in three months, no mention of alternatives which was odd as she knows I have adenomysosis which can only be resolved by menopause or hysterectomy.

At this point I injected her flow as she was about to get up and go, with the offer of my previous notes. She quickly looked at them and said these aren't any good, I need the post operative report. I told I thought I had given her them but she insisted they weren't there, so I gave her the biopsy report and the doctor's summary of findings. No they weren't the right ones either. Are you sure, the previous papers weren't the right ones I ask, trying to take hold of them and pointing to page 2. Ah yes that's its. Oh that's why your lining is back, she used the roller ball technique which is very old fashioned and not successful (articles on the Internet doesn't indicated it any more or less successful than other types of ablation) Can I get a copy of these? Of course you can and with that she was gone!

On reflection I realised I should have been more proactive and asked why I should wait 3 months but it was obvious at the time, everyone was in hurry to get out for lunch (it was 1pm), so I left confused and annoyed. Not a good thing as I can be obsessive about things if they are impinging in my mind a lot.

Update
contacted a local doctors office and doing a repeat ultrasound is normal procedure so no more worrying. Now, to get at least a temporary job!

Tuesday already!

and I have done nothing and I mean nothing. I don't think I am adapting well to this empty house but I am sure it will come. I am sure as heck not use to cooking for only 2 and TX supermarkets are most definitely not geared towards shopping for 2!

This weekend went surprisingly fast, probably because we went to a small back to school party on Friday and then on Saturday, my eldest daughter came home to celebrate Alan's birthday.

The party was interesting because I hadn't seen anyone at the party for at least 2 yrs. It was an Expat party, so most of the wives know each other through our husbands who work at Freescale (was Motorola). It was interesting because most of our lives were going the same way as they were 2 yrs ago, so apart from the fact the kids we have, are growing up, it was almost as if the last 2 yrs had not existed.

I am the first to be child free and to honest, in room full of screaming teenagers and under 10's I am glad I am child free! Its amazing how your brain can obliterate certain things and times from your memory but I was thinking to myself, I am sure my kids weren't as loud and wearisome as this lot, surely not. However, the realist in me, knows they must have been but I was oblivious to it at the time.

Anyway it was good to catch up with people again and makes me realise I must make more of an effort to go out more. I am becoming the hermit of Pflugerville, maybe I should rename my blog that.

My biopsy results have back as the doctor suspected with no definite diagnosis as I had an ablation in 2004, so hopefully the sonargram will illuminate what the problem is. Actually I know what the problem is, adenomysosis as I have already had that diagonsis and the only treatment, apart from menopause, that is effective is a hysterectomy. If I had known before my ablation that I had adenomysosis I would taken the hysterectomy option then but it usually only discovered after a hysterectomy as it usually cannot be seen by any type of imaging machine. In a way I was lucky it was discovered at my ablation but then again it must have been pretty bad to have been picked up that way. Anyway no doubt in 2 wks time I will be given the option of a hysto and this time I will probably take it. Trouble is it takes at least 6 wks to recover with no lifting in that time. We will see.

One thing I must do get the records from my previous gynaecologist to give to my new one. My brain just doesn't process information about my reproductive organs. Up to my 45th yr I never had problems with them, so I never kept track of them. They came and went with their regular cycles, giving out signals they were approaching like over tiredness the day before, so I never needed a calendar as some people do. So when the doc asks me questions about my cycles I can only give vague recollections, I am sure they think that is weird but I only notice when things are going wrong, like constant cramps I have never had before suddenly appear, sore and swollen breasts appear from nowhere, that when I stand up and take notice.

The last couple of days I have been in right Funk

and I think there are several reasons.

The first is my body is acting up. It started last week with my nipples becoming really sore, then very hard and my breasts swelling, if I did know better I would have said I was breast feeding! Then on Monday I began to have those cramps we women are so prone to which was somewhat of a surprise as I have been told that I am pass menopause. Even more surprising was having some spotting on Tuesday which turn into a slight flow on Wednesday. Needless to say, I was straight onto the phone on Wednesday for an appointment with the gynaecologist but the earliest I could one is next Thursday. It feels like when I had adenomyosis but if I am post menopausal then that should have disappeared. Anyway, no doubt I am in for a string of tests and probably end up with a hysterectomy. I wish I had taken up that offer last time rather than the ablation but it seemed so radical then and I was so obviously perimenopausal at the time. Blah!

The 2nd is job searching! I am at it again and again it fills me with despair. I decided to look at Craig's list and sure enough there are jobs there I that I might be interested in. I actually applied for one at a pre-school locally and they called back immediately. I had interview arranged for 2pm the next day. I duly arrived, only to find the person who was interviewing me had popped out to do some personal chores! I found this out between bits of conversation with the lady I was talking to as she was on the phone, setting up her DSL connection. (I think she was meant to manning reception but it was hard to tell, tic). Anyway in between conversation with her sales rep on the phone, she managed to say she would speak to me about the job and to fill out the application form. I hate that, why fill in an application form when you have send them a resume!

She eventually finished with her dsl connection (by which time I knew her life story) and spoke to me briefly. She then show me the class where I might be assisting but as the kids were just coming to the end of nap time, I thought it wasn't the best time to introduce a stranger to them. So I arranged to return the next morning when they would be more lively.

I returned at 10am yesterday and was briefly spoken to by the person who was meant to interview me the previous day, then I was shown into the room which was now a different class as they were in the midst of rearranging the kids. The kids were great but it was a small class so I was lucky. After half an hour, the other lady came to me and I spoke to again briefly. Mainly I wanted to know what the salary was .......$7.50 an hour....less than my youngest daughter (17) earned all summer and considerably less than Alan(19) is currently earning! I could understand it if it was some local pre-school nursery but its a national company (Children's courtyard)!

Anyway, this morning I am off to a job fair in Austin with my resumes, so something may turn up but I am not too hopeful to be honest. Am I am being too picky wanting to be paid a decent wage, certainly better than my youngest daughter and hopefully more than my Son but it seems I am whistling in the wind in that regard.

The 3rd reason I am in funk is because this week the kids go back to college. On Sunday, my youngest is moving 250 miles north to Denton, to begin her degree in Photography (hopefully). I think I will miss Emily much more than when the other 2 left because over the last year or so, we have become much closer. I definitely know her more than when she was little when she was lost between the worlds of her brother and sister. I am very confident she will do fine at university as she an inner confident in herself and her abilities, I can only envy. If you met her on first take, you would probably think she is shy (which she is in certain ways) but after than initial take, you soon realise this girl has an inner drive that will get her to places. So I will miss her tremendously and probably have a good cry as we drive home to Austin on Sunday but I am sure she is destined to succeed in life.

I have been in such a funk, that I haven't even been reading the blogs or if I do read them, I can barely skim over them, much less comment on them. I haven't touch my beading this week and nothing can seem to interest me. Hopefully this is passing and I will be back to normal once Monday comes along and new era in our lives (Gordon and I) comes about. It will be weird not having any kids in the house!