Last night I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

Gordon came in at his usual time last night and as usual we did our little summary of the day which is normally is not much, to be honest.



However last night Gordon says 'J was back today and J(his wife) was wondering where you get your social social number from as she has got a job.' He then looked at me, put up his hands, shrugged his shoulders, pulled a face and said 'Why? Why haven't you got a job yet? She hasn't even got her SSN yet and she has a job. Its a seasonal job but its a job.'



My day slumped to the pit at that very point. Several feelings ran though my body, jealousy, anger, shame and defeat. I was jealous that J had managed to get a job so quickly after getting her work permit. I was angry at Gordon for rubbing my nose in it as he knows that at least the 1st 6 months of this year I tried my hardest to get a job. Shame because I have failed utterly to get a job. I even had 2 interviews, one for the Sears call center and the other for Target, both jobs I could do standing on my head. I couldn't even get them! Defeat because deep down I don't want to keep trying for jobs that paid just over the minimum wage and failing to get them.



To honest, I don't think any of the family really believes that I have actually applied for any jobs in the last year and to honest I don't blame them. There isn't any real evidence that I am, apart from me saying I am. And yes, I am such a wussy, I have said in the past month, I wll apply here or there but not done it yet because I am scared, scared f***ing stiff. I am in my own company so much these days, talking to anyone is becoming hard and the outside world is scary.



Anyway, to any young mums out there, I would not advise you leave the work force for 20 yrs, thinking you can just pick your work life up. It doesn't help that for the past 7 yrs ( boy its been that long), I haven't really been involved in any organisations as I had been in Scotland. I tried to get involved in the High school swim team but without a SSN I wasn't able to volunteer with fundraising project they had. I could have helped out with officiating as in the UK, I had almost qualified to Judge level but by that time we were into the troubled times of Alan life. He was much more important that volunteering for a swim team.



I volunteered briefly for the Blanton Museum of Art but to honest driving into the heart of Austin, isn't my idea of fun, especially, just to stand there handing out headsets. However, I do miss the company of people there, they were great and so full of life. After I left Sears, I did think of returning but Gordon admonished me about that idea, as I should be concentrating on getting a 'real' job. I am making him look a right bastard but he really isn't. However, I don't think he realises the frustration and anger I feel each time he goes on about getting a job. I did try but then I gave up. I suppose I should start trying again



Anyway, I am sort of over that slump I felt last night but still have this niggling anger thing about Gordon. Unlike the past, I actually told him what I was thinking but I don't think he realised how hurt I was with his remarks. I can understand his frustration regarding this situation and I know we need me to work (savings diminishing by the month) but unless he can get me a job, I really don't know what to do.