I am sitting here

desperately trying not to fall asleep. Last night was the worst night's sleep I have had since not having any sleeping pills. I spend a good part of the night pretending I was asleep in the hope I would actually sleep. However its not that bad yet, as to date I have only had 2 really restless sleepless nights (the night before was the other), so I am hoping that as long as I keep myself busy today, by the time we go to bed I will sleep just from exhaustion.

The one thing I have noticed in the past week, is that if I don't bead, I am less sleepy. So obviously being creative during the day is exactly what my brain is craving for.

With that end in mind, I began the process of reclaiming the upstairs from the hands of Alan. Since he came home from college at the end of May, he has steadily spread his mess unchecked to almost all the rooms. It has gotten to the stage were his sister, Emily, myself and Gordon are too uncomfortable to even go up there! Yesterday, that began to change as I moved his stuff out of the large spacious room he has, to the much smaller bedroom. It felt so good. To be fair to Alan, he was ok about me moving his stuff from the room and he can be tidy, even vacuuming all of upstairs in the first weeks he came home, it just most of the time he isn't tidy, at home at least.

So what is happening to the room I have just vacated, well its going to become my studio. To be honest I have been eyeing it up for just that purpose since the day we moved in. It will have a spare bed in it for Elisabeth when she comes to stay but for the most part it will be my studio, all 12' x12' approx of it (actually it probably larger but I haven't measured it).

Apparently Alan told Emily that to make sure he doesn't come home next summer and she turned around to him, saying, " well, Mum doesn't want you to come back next summer, anyway." I don't think I would have said it as brutally as that as I enjoy the company of the kids but I would be laying down the law about being tidy more next summer!

still on the job hunt

I currently have 6 applications in and 2 to complete tomorrow. All of them offer crap wages the best being $11 an hour. Sometimes I wonder why I am bothering for that sort of wage (most will be $8 an hour if I am lucky) and then the realist rears its head, telling me it will at least pay for one set of tuition fees next year. Plus I might actually like it...working that is. LOL.

I have been on a bit of a downer this week. My embroidery isn't going well as I feel that I should be doing more important things like .....sitting on the PC avoiding doing the important things. However, today I decided I was going to be more positive and it has been a more positive day. Of course it helps that last night I had a full nights sleep courtesy of a sleep aid. Two nights of not sleeping wasn't helping the situation, I was too damn tired to do anything! How can that be right, I am too tired to do anything but cannot sleep. Tonight I am back to the no sleep aid. I know it will get better eventually but God I am so envious of people who can sleep. I also bought a new CD to fall to sleep to. Now if I just work out how do a play list for my MP3 player I might have music all the night though.

Need to go, just realised its almost 5.30pm and dinner has be made.

Sleep at last!

Well, I didn't get what is called a full nights sleep but I got at least 3 hours which is a vast improvement on 20 mins I got the night before. And it was worth it as I had this amazing dream which I think is rather hopeful. I wrote down as much as possible because I really do believe that dreams help you understand the place you are in at the moment. Some of it was fuzzy but the keys points were vivid.

Dream.

There was a beginning but that is fuzzy and involved my family. The first bit I remember is that I was tending a neighbour's garden whilst they were away but I had forgotten to water as I promised. they were returning shortly so I quickly turned on the hoses in the front and back. They returned. They noticed that the garden was neglected but was grateful it wasn't completely dead. I realised the hose in the front was still on. I couldn't get out the front door as it was locked so I went out by the side. I got soaked as I grappled with the tap. As I came back I realised the garden extended even farther back and was most beautifully tended with fruit trees and flowers. Next bit is fuzzy but involved how they acquired the garden and how they tended it. The wife mentions it (the garden) backs on to Shoal Creek and I tell the wife she should be careful as on the news they had warned of dangerous animals in the area. I leave.

Somehow I am in a market (and it is also the table I work at), it has the most beautiful fabrics, threads, exotic fruits and is full of life. I buy some some materials. Next bit is Fuzzy but somehow I am having an argument with Gordon about the semantics of grammar. I am accusing a friend of lying because he used some fancy grammar and lied about being sick. He wasn't sick, it was his wife-the dream goes into the back story of the guy- debts and alcoholism. Gordon thinks I am being too harsh but I refuse to back down.

Back to the Market. I am trying to size the fabric -cut up into reasonable width for use. I am taking out threads and as I take out the threads a story is being told. Everything is good -its is set in the market, an Asian market. As I draw out the threads,people are smiling, applauding and crowd around me but as I draw out the last thread, the air becomes tense. A story of a angry vengeful mother emerges (not my mother). She is really a demon who will destroy me but I am determine to fight. Everyone is running away in fear, I get to the corner of the square where the market is. I am told by a voice that I am leaving on a bus. As I cross the road I see a child . I am told by the voice that she cannot be on the same bus as me. I ask who is she? I am told that she is an important ally and will there to help out with the fight but only to be used when she is really needed. As she boards the 2nd bus she is changed into a symbol (like a pokemom character is the best way to describe it) I enter the bus and go on the journey on my own. As we speed along (the voice is still there) I see other symbols crying out and trying to catch the bus. The voice tells me not to worry as they will be there as I need them. I look forward- the dream ends with a cinematic ending. (a back shot of me looking forward to a long dark tunnel but you know its a hopeful journey and a new beginning.

That was amazing magical dream with lots of colour and vibrancy. I woke up not refreshed but grateful for the sleep. Now I just have to rid of the headache I have acquired over the last couple of days. Hopefully sleep, more sleep will resolve that problem.

I am tired today

as I managed to get about 20 mins sleep last night thanks to my insommia and Gordon's allergies.
The past 2 nights I succumbed the lure of the sleeping pill to get some much needed shuteye but last night I decided I would be strong and just get use to the idea that I only need 2-3 hrs sleep to survive.
So bedtime came and I told Gordon I would be staying up for a while, hoping he would be asleep before I got there. Unfortunately I timed it wrongly or so I thought but as I was lying there, I realised that he wasn't sleeping well because of his bloody allergies and refusal to take anything for them! So he was snorting, sniffing and tossing thoughout the night whilst I listened hoping I would eventually fall off to sleep.
I did! at around 4.30 in the morning only to waken myself up with a dream which was about a long journey...I seem to have a theme developing here...ended up with someone puking all over me.
As I was voicing my disgust and dismay in my dream, I awoke to myself, making the noises aloud. Gordon was startled and I was equally as startled! However, Gordon returned to his restless sleep and I listened to the cat purring on my shoulder until 5.59 when she wanted to get out of the room.
So tonight, do I get a good night sleep with aid or do I try without? As its Friday, I can afford to wait until Gordon is asleep and then decide. Just wish he would accept he has allergies all year around and take the fix!