How do I feel about being 50

in 35 short days. I really don't know, my feelings are mixed. I know I am proud of my kids, they are all going in their own directions now and hopefully they will be successful with their lives.

I think back to when I was their age.

At 17.5 (Emily's age) I was in my first job thinking there must be more to life than this. I was a filing clerk at Thomas Tillings Ltd in Mayfair London. I had left school in the February of 1975 as my Mum seeing my exam results thought I was flogging a dead horse and it was time I saw the real world. She was probably right but at the time it seem like I was being condemned to life of utter boredness.

At the end of 1974 I had started Saturday Morning classes at Camberwell school of Art and Crafts. They were classes for secondary school kids in London who might be considering a life in art. They were brilliant classes and really fuelled, my up until then, unknown desire to work in the world of art. I was greatly encourage when the new Principal of the School, Ian Tregarthen Jenkin, visiting one Saturday, picked out my drawing as one of the best composition he had seen (that day, of course), much to the dismay of the some of the other students. They had drawn in very detail including the round heater being used. I chose to just ignore it, indicating it with a roughly drawn circle.

Soon after I started at Thomas Tillings I was determined that I would go to Art School and my planning started.

At 20 ( almost Alan's age) I had convinced my parents that Art school was the best place for me. So I started at Camberwell's foundation course in Sept 1976. A foundation course is a blessing and a curse as it introduces you to other aspects of the art world you might not have know about before. By the end of the year I was torn between painting and textiles.

I chose painting for a few reasons: I knew I was good at it and I didn't know of any other textiles course that were better than Camberwell in the UK. By this time I was desperate to leave home some way or another. Moving to a college outside London seemed the best bet.

I visited a couple of colleges and it was toss up between Falmouth or Bath. Falmouth lost because I thought at the time, it was too far from London. In reality, both were, I was lost in the countryside.

Self Portrait 1977

At 22 (my eldest daughter's age). I was missing London and the direction that Camberwell had given me. At Bath, we were very much left to our own devices. If we wanted to do any Life model work, we had to arrange for the model our selves. There was no formal training. I had no idea how to do things or how use different materials. I knew people entered for competitions but I had no idea how they did it.

I did know how to make my own stretchers. I could stretch a canvas but not well. I could size a canvas but again not well and not the best way. The etching studio was the best place, as the tech there, was a master, (better than the tutor who was too busy with his own stuff). Unfortunately, it was about that time I started to develop contact dermatitis so etching became difficult for me.

I was floundering fast, as I was so use to other people doing things for me, mostly my Mum thinking she was doing the best for me, her heart was in the right place at least. I was very immature! In the autumn of that year, seeing I was so obviously struggling badly, a group of the tutors got together and gave me a pep talk. It must have worked as I produced the best work that year in all the years I was there. If only it had come a year earlier.



Sefl Portrait aged 22







2 pieces from my final show in 1977



College for me, like Alan now, was a struggle. I was most definitely out of my league. I couldn't discuss art history with a lot of intellectual resonance, because I didn't have knowledge of art history, literature, politics or music. I would laugh at the mumbo jumbo people would come out with and although I read art history, it was pretty basic stuff. I wanted to know how it was made, who made it, what it was and most importantly what the personality of the person who was behind it, was like. For me, painting was purely personal thing,not based on theories. Yes, the ages between 20-23 were most definitely not a good time for me, as I felt inferior to everyone. I left college at 23, knowing the art world wasn't for me but it hasn't stop me yearning for it.

So how do I feel about being 50 in 35 short days, mixed as I did then. I am still very immature. I am still very insecure about myself with other people, especially anyone in the arts. One thing, I am actually healthier than I was then despite being a good 59lbs heavier because I am not bulimic anymore!


a painting I did last year