Me

I am so bored at the moment:

Me- I was born in 1957 so that makes me 50 later on this year, in August to be exact. When I was 20, I thought 50 was very old. Now I am here, I am still struggling to see where exactly life is going and thinking its not so old now. So when my eldest daughter, 22 this month, worries she still doesn't know where life is taking her (apart from being in debt) I tell her not to worry because no-one can tell where life is going to take you but face up to challenges, don't run away from them.

When I was 22, I was just leaving college with my degree but unlike my determined daughter, I meekly went home and waited for life to happen. What I should have done, was to stay in Bath and discovered life but I was a coward, always have been. My parents welcomed me home with open arms but forget about the artist life and being student, now you need to get on with real life. They never said that to me but it was implied and I gratefully accepted the offer. They wanted what was best for me and that was a steady job in an office. I was a coward and refused to face up to the challenge of my dreams, accepting that this was my life now.

When I was 23 I met Gordon who became my life and then my kids. I sunk into the life which is now mine. I cannot blame anyone for my life but ME. I can say, my mum was bad (she wasn't) my Dad was a dreamer ( he is), Gordon loves having me as stay at home which is why I became a stay at home mum (he does) but the only person to blame for my lack of life is ME because I lacked the courage to live my dreams. In essence I have become my worst nightmare and I can't seem to escape it.

It not all doom and gloom though because I have a husband who loves me despite all my moans and groans. I have 3 bright, intelligent enquiring children who are facing up to life in their own way. My Mum and Dad still love me despite complaining about them all the time. All in All I have comfortable life but .......thats the but.

Many people especially those ones who are struggling just to survive will say 'hell, what's she complaining about now?" Exactly! Why can't I be happy? What the F*** is wrong with me?

People I have seen since 2007 started (129 days) apart from shop assistants and family - 2.

Jobs I have applied to- at least 25 and 1 interview

Volunteer nowhere but have applied to one institution No reply despite the fact they are listing numerous openings. Why haven't I returned to the Blanton - wanting to do more than hand out head sets to visitors or stand watching visitors looking at paintings. Jealous of all those young people in the jobs I want.

Paintings - none
drawings - none unless you count the doodles I have done recently
embroidery- lots and enjoy that

Exercise - infrequently, walk the dog at least twice a week

Weight - steady but going down (hopefully)

goals - to get a job somehow, actually enter an art competition instead of putting the entry forms to one side, saying I will do that at a later date. to Stop MOANING